I don’t know about you, but this past holiday season I got a couple of shocks regarding close friends and family members…and have shed a lot of tears as well…berating myself for not noticing something was wrong…not digging deeper…dare I say, not caring enough?
I said to one family member, “Why didn’t you tell me?” Her response was, “Why didn’t you notice something was wrong and care enough to ask?” And that’s when it hit me…when it truly hit me. How long have I been this way? How long since I have been focusing on my own little world…and it was quite humbling to realize the answer…too long…and in some cases…too late as well.
Is it a case of being plugged in too much? Focusing on our own little world and not seeing the subtle signs anymore? Not reading between the lines? Not listening? Gliding over the surface and becoming superficial in many ways?
It comes with the realization that all too often we take the easy way out…we don’t like life to get too messy. We lose the chances to have emotionally satisfying lives because we are…dare I say it…afraid? To skirt away from this fear(and I don’t believe many of us will admit it’s fear), we fill our lives with the superficial trappings of life…just skimming over the surface and staying clean and pristine. We call this fear by other names perhaps…excuses..obligations, finances, not enough time( I can’t talk to you right now because…”I have to go to work”, “I’m doing something on the computer”, “I’m on the phone”, “I’m busy”, “I’m watching tv”…).
Now remains the question of what I can do now to redeem myself in some way…to prove to those I’ve let down that I do indeed care. In some cases, it’s possibly too late…but I have to do something.
My new year is going down a different path than I anticipated a week ago…a path concentrating on finding ways to become more human again…to show those I care about that I am truly there for them when they need me. Becoming the person I really want to be.
Much prayer and introspection are ahead of me and I relish the time, direction and the paths it will take me.
til next time…Eva