The day my husband was in the Emergency room and transferred to another hospital, my first thoughts were worry for his well being. Whether he would need surgery, recovery time and research on the internet regarding the condition, procedure, mortality and life expectancy.
I consider myself to be a caring and compassionate person and have done my fair share of worrying about others over the years. I am totally in control during the daylight hours. What is it about when the sun goes down and we are surrounded by the dark? The negativity creeps into the very depths of our soul. Where we had only the well being of the person concerned before, we now have the dark scary questions that pertain only to ourselves.
Mine were: “what am I going to do to pay the bills?”, “will there be a lot of extra expenses now because of this hospital stay and possible operation?”, “We don’t have a joint account, if he dies, I’m up a creek.”
The list went on and on and by the time I’d finished, I was a mental mess. My daughter and I had been texting back and forth and although I hadn’t told her all of the thoughts running through my head, her thoughts ran through the vein of, “what if I have to leave this job and go home for a while?”, “What if Mom can’t pay the bills and I know I have some money but not enough to help her.”
Not much sleep for either one of us that night. I woke up in the morning with my power intact once again, knowing that I just needed to do one thing at a time…and at that moment, that was getting down to the hospital and seeing my husband. My daughter on the other hand woke up a total mess and stayed home from work just in case she would need to catch a flight home.
I’m not proud of the fact that my thoughts could totally center on my needs at that point in time…I do realize that’s exactly what a “wake up call” is meant to do…enable you to focus on what is necessary. Because of that night, I now have a list of things that need to be done. We were given a reprieve this time for a reason.
til next time…Eva